{"id":1387,"date":"2016-07-01T15:21:16","date_gmt":"2016-07-01T19:21:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/phosdev.com\/todaysveterinarynurse\/?post_type=articles&p=1387"},"modified":"2022-01-11T21:33:15","modified_gmt":"2022-01-11T21:33:15","slug":"the-space-between-us","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/navc.sitepreview.app\/todaysveterinarynurse.com\/personal-wellbeing\/the-space-between-us\/","title":{"rendered":"The Space Between Us"},"content":{"rendered":"

I remember the first time I felt my body image violated. I was 13 years old, and my mother told me I had better \u201cwatch it\u201d in regard to my weight. I had started to gain weight, as any normal prepubescent girl does, but to her it was unacceptable. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, and for the first time, I felt that I<\/em> was unacceptable. That moment changed my life forever. It was the moment that other people\u2019s opinion of me took precedence over my own.<\/p>\n

Soon after, my brother started bullying me, relentlessly calling me \u201cBlimp\u201d and \u201cThunder Thighs.\u201d I felt humiliated, embarrassed, and deeply encroached upon.<\/p>\n

Not knowing where I began and my family ended, I internalized what they thought of me as Truth and eventually decided I would rebel against the Truth they imposed on me.<\/p>\n

I developed anorexia.<\/p>\n

My eating disorder was an attempt to put space between me and others, to create separation and ultimately protect myself from the pain I felt for not being \u201cokay.\u201d I didn\u2019t know it at the time, but I was trying to enforce my boundaries. True, it was not in a healthy or sustainable way, but I can see the twisted logic in it now.<\/p>\n

When we know better, we do better.<\/p>\n

What Are Boundaries?<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Boundaries are where one thing ends and another begins; the place where two things become different, where you end and I begin. <\/em><\/p>\n

According to Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their New York Times<\/em> bestseller Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life<\/em>, \u201cBoundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances\u2014Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions\u2014Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.\u201d<\/p>\n

Boundaries are how we protect ourselves from emotional harm. This harm can come in many forms, such as always picking up the slack from lazy coworkers, allowing clients to have our cell phone numbers, not saying \u201cno\u201d when we want to, allowing clients to be disrespectful to us, and being touched when we don\u2019t want to be. Enforcing our boundaries is how we demonstrate respect for ourselves, whether by telling others it\u2019s not okay to comment on our weight or our parenting style or that we won\u2019t accept being spoken to in a certain manner.<\/p>\n

Boundaries are an ultimate act of self-love and self-care. Without them, we become ineffective at caring for others because we end up feeling immensely depleted and sometimes even contaminated by others. And we are. Boundaries are a way of not only respecting but also protecting ourselves.<\/p>\n

Euthanasia comes to mind. There are simply times when assisting in euthanasia is not in our best emotional interest. When we are struggling with other heavy-hearted circumstances in our lives, we have to recognize that we can\u2019t do it, enforce our boundary, and ask for a reprieve.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I could never do that. What would my coworkers think? What would my boss think?\u201d I\u2019m sure a version of this is going through your mind. Remember, boundaries are about respect and protection. Recognize when you need both.<\/p>\n

Why Do We Lack Boundaries?<\/strong><\/h2>\n

We are people pleasers.<\/h3>\n

We want everyone to like us, and we don\u2019t want to \u201churt anyone\u2019s feelings.\u201d Know that no one has the power to make another person feel a certain way. Our feelings come from our thoughts and not the circumstance (more on this in the next issue!).<\/p>\n

If you are a people pleaser, ask yourself: How\u2019s this working out for me?<\/em> My bet is that it\u2019s not. I would guess that you often feel angry and resentful and wonder why no one is thinking about you, since you are thinking about everyone else and their needs.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a secret: It\u2019s your job to meet your own needs.<\/p>\n

We lack an understanding of boundaries.<\/h3>\n

Most of us aren\u2019t \u201ctaught\u201d about boundaries. Typically, we learn them from our families\u2014or not. When we don\u2019t understand the importance of boundaries, we don\u2019t know why we need them. This was my experience. I didn\u2019t know that it wasn\u2019t okay for others to comment on my body, so I didn\u2019t speak my Truth and enforce my boundaries.<\/p>\n

What did you<\/em> learn?<\/p>\n

Lack of understanding is also true from the other side. For example, if you work with someone who doesn\u2019t understand boundaries, they may very well mistake your enforcing of boundaries for obstinance, refusal to be a \u201cteam player,\u201d or, for women, bitchiness. You have to be okay with the risk of misinterpretation to maintain your boundaries. Ask yourself what the cost of not having boundaries is, and I\u2019m sure you will agree that the risk is usually worth it.<\/p>\n

If you work in a toxic environment where you are penalized for standing up for yourself, then at the very least, recognize this as a workplace\/leadership flaw and not a personal one.<\/p>\n

Even when we understand boundaries, we can inadvertently break them. Boundaries are intensely personal, and we don\u2019t always know when we are violating others\u2019. For example, I love to hug people and was unaware that others are not okay with this until I met a practice manager who\u2014I learned after I hugged her\u2014hated it.<\/p>\n

We don\u2019t think we\u2019re important.<\/h3>\n

Many of us come with an internal \u201cI\u2019m not good enough\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m not worthy\u201d tape playing on continuous loop. We think, \u201cWho am I to ask people from work to not text me at home unless it\u2019s a true emergency?\u201d Who are you not to? Your personal life is as important as anyone else\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Others don\u2019t feel comfortable standing up for themselves, but if you don\u2019t, some people will see how far they can infiltrate your space.<\/p>\n

We don\u2019t think we can.<\/h3>\n

There is no question that enforcing boundaries requires patience, diligence, and practice, but consider the possibility that it\u2019s these exact boundaries that will help build both your self-esteem and confidence. And as you establish your boundaries, people will begin to recognize where they have to stop before you have to enforce them.<\/p>\n

Where Do We Begin?<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Start small.<\/h3>\n

Find little things to start with, such as telling friends that you put your phone on do-not-disturb at 9 pm, and you won\u2019t be answering texts after that time. Sure, you will likely have to remind them\u2014that\u2019s what it means to enforce boundaries. Once you get good at setting and enforcing small boundaries, then you can move to larger ones like setting boundaries with coworkers, clients, and family.<\/p>\n

Use a mantra.<\/h3>\n

Bren\u00e9 Brown, a research professor at University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and author of the New York Times<\/em> #1 bestsellers The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly<\/em>, uses the mantra \u201cChoose discomfort over resentment\u201d to remind herself to not be pulled into saying \u201cyes\u201d when she really wants to say \u201cno.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"VETERINARY<\/a>

VETERINARY MEDICINE<\/strong> requires us to be empathetic with our patients, clients, and coworkers. At first, the idea of setting boundaries can seem to be counterintuitive to this need. In fact, healthy boundaries enable us to maintain the space between us and others while being empathetic.<\/p><\/div>\n

Practice, practice, practice.<\/h3>\n

Start saying aloud (alone or to others) what it is you want to say. The more you become comfortable setting and enforcing your boundaries, the easier it will be.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat sounds interesting, but I can\u2019t make it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t give my phone number out to clients.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not able to assist with this euthanasia, can you?\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, my plate is already full.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThanks for the invitation. My weekend plans are to be with my family, so I won\u2019t be able to attend.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I can\u2019t work that day. I already made plans.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

How Do We Stay Connected Through Our Boundaries?<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Veterinary medicine requires us to be empathetic with our patients, clients, and coworkers. At first, the idea of setting boundaries can seem to be counterintuitive to this need. In fact, healthy boundaries enable us to maintain the space between us and others while being empathetic.<\/p>\n

As Bren\u00e9 Brown explains in her video \u201cBoundaries, Empathy & Compassion,\u201d \u201cEmpathy minus boundaries is not empathy. Compassion minus boundaries is not genuine.\u201d She disagrees with the current belief that empathy can lead to burnout. Instead, she defines empathy not as feeling for someone, but feeling with someone. When approached this way, empathy can actually restore us. I highly recommend watching the whole video at theworkofthepeople.com\/boundaries<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Boundary setting and enforcing is one of the most powerful tools we have against compassion fatigue and, when practiced, can sustain us indefinitely in our career and our lives.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Boundaries are how we protect ourselves from emotional harm.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1478,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"iawp_total_views":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[69],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1387","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-july-august-2016","column-final_thoughts","clinical_topics-personal-wellbeing"],"acf":{"hide_sidebar":false,"hide_sidebar_ad":false,"hide_all_ads":false},"yoast_head":"\nThe Space Between Us | Today's Veterinary Nurse<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Space Between Us\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" 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