No one is thrilled to hear, “Can I give you some feedback?” Typically, whatever comes next is about something that someone wishes we’d do differently. At best, an expert giver of feedback forces us to see ourselves or our situation in another light. But unfortunately, many bosses, colleagues, friends and co-workers in veterinary practices (and anywhere else, for that matter) aren’t skilled at feedback. Instead, they blunder, assume and insult. And yet, they likely have helpful information for us if we can just get past their approach.
If you’re a feedback recipient, you might not know you’re doing something that’s holding you back, upsetting others, or causing strife or inefficiency. If you don’t know, you can’t fix the problem, so it likely got stickier.
Use the following strategies to make feedback go well, demonstrate personal leadership and get the most out of well-meaning comments.
Assume the Best
Whether the practice owner, hospital manager, head technician or kennel attendant spoke up, you can feel pretty sure the person isn’t thrilled about something. Think about the times you offered feedback. I doubt you gleefully made a list of difficult things to discuss with the recipient.
Feedback is a gift. Veterinary team members giving it likely thought for a while about what to say and how. In my experience, they’re anxious and demonstrate courage by coming to the table. They wouldn’t speak up if they didn’t care or didn’t think the issue was important.
A Gallup study found that 62% of supervisors are anxious about giving feedback to employees. Imagine the percentage when employees have feedback for their boss. That’s one reason the conversations are complicated; the giver and the receiver usually are wound up. You and I know that keeping everyone engaged in calm, helpful dialogue in such moments is difficult.
Don’t Take It Personally
Your lizard brain has the unenviable job of keeping you alive when danger approaches. Therefore, your experience might have you believe that someone delivering feedback is worse than a slobbering saber-toothed tiger.
When someone on the practice team offers you feedback, your two major responsibilities are to:
- Manage your head, and don’t take the feedback personally. Observations and opinions do not change your inherent value, no matter who the giver is.
- Manage your nervous system. No matter what the feedback giver says, you won’t die in 20 minutes, even if you think you might.
Human beings are storytelling creatures. We fly from hearing one sentence to making a painful conclusion (a wrong one, usually) faster than fast. If someone implies that they don’t like one of our behaviors, we instantly think they don’t like us as a person.
“If the hospital manager doesn’t like me, I’m surely about to be fired,” our brain tells us. “And then my husband will leave me.”
Not taking things personally and remembering to interrupt our internal storytelling machine are easier said than done. But it gets better with practice.
The first step: Notice what you’re feeling in the moment.
The second step: Manage your responses.
As you move through a feedback conversation, acknowledge your immediate thoughts but don’t buy into them. Notice your breathing, heart rate and any other physical sensation. You can stay in the present (and separate from the story your brain wants to tell) by feeling your feet on the floor or rubbing your fingertips together and noticing the sensation. Experiment with taking a couple of deep breaths.
The goal is to hear what’s said rather than let your thoughts trigger an unneeded lifesaving defense.
Keep Listening
As you know from your experience with giving feedback, the recipients are likely anxious. They don’t want to hurt the relationship. They’re probably fighting their nervous system, too.
So, here are two valuable listening goals when you’re getting feedback:
- Make clear that you heard and understood the feedback provider.
- Make clear that you don’t hate the person now.
Validation is one of the most effective ways to lower the heat during a challenging conversation, and it’s possible even when you disagree. For example, you can validate by saying, “I appreciate you taking the time to talk about this,” “I’m sure it was hard for you to bring that up,” or “I can tell this means a lot to you.”
Here’s something I needed a long time to learn: Only when you listen to the end of the feedback and show you understand will your team member be genuinely ready to listen to your responses. So don’t interrupt to mount an immediate defense.
In my case, I always pause to confirm I heard the actual message. Then, I’ll say something like: “Let me be sure I understand. When I feel stressed, I make decisions without including you, making you feel like I don’t care about your opinion. Is that right?” If you missed the mark, the person will clarify. If the two of you are in agreement, you’ll know you’re talking about the right stuff.
Now, the conversation might be just about over. You did something that distressed someone but didn’t know you were doing it. If you’re happy to start doing something differently, you can thank your boss or co-worker for the feedback and move on.
You also can stop now if:
- You’re not going to act on the feedback. (For example, the person is missing a significant piece of information.)
- The issue isn’t going to come up again. (It was a one-time situation.)
At this point, thank the person for sharing their perspective and move on. (There’s also a middle ground: Take the helpful feedback and leave the rest.)
However, if the issue will recur and you’re not ready to do what is asked — or think you can’t — it’s time to share more of your perspective and work with the feedback giver on a solution. After all, you’d rather not have the conversation again.
Stay Curious
To find a new approach that works for both of you, be sure to partner with the feedback giver. Genuine curiosity is your best friend, so ask open-ended “what” and “how” questions. Here’s what happens in the end:
- You validated. “I can see this is important to you.”
- You clarified. “It sounds like the real issue is you think I don’t trust you when I move ahead without including you in the decision making.”
- You provided more context. “I understand you prefer that I check in before making this kind of decision. I did look for you, but you were with a pet owner then, and it didn’t seem like it could wait. What would be better the next time?”
As you can see in the example, you sometimes need to respond with additional information as a feedback recipient. In that case, you switch to being the feedback giver. In that role, try to do what you wish the other person would do for you.
If all this is more than you can handle in the moment, just listen to the feedback and walk away.
You can always re-engage in a day or two and tackle this part of the conversation separately by saying, “I gave your feedback a lot of thought, and I’d like to talk about it a bit more.”
Staying calm takes practice. But here’s the good news: Research shows that remaining curious even a few seconds longer changes challenging conversations for the better. So cut yourself some slack, keep practicing and celebrate the incremental wins.
QUICK TIPS FOR GIVING FEEDBACK
- Make feedback specific and about behavior, not about the person.
- Focus on helping the other person accomplish goals. For example, you can say, “I know you want to keep things running smoothly, and I have a suggestion I think could help. Can we talk about it?”
- Focus on what to do next time. (Remember that you can’t change what’s already done.)
AVOID THESE PITFALLS
1. When feedback comes from the practice owner or hospital manager.
Our expectations of bosses are often too high. We think, “If they’re the boss, they should be good at this. If this is their conversation, they’re in charge of managing it.” However, subordinates can lead conversations they didn’t initiate. The person with the lowest blood pressure in the room can be in charge. Be that person.
2. When feedback comes from a peer.
We find ourselves in the messy middle when a peer offers feedback. Neither person has clear authority over the other. It’s easy to think, “What do you know? Stay in your lane.” What’s critical is to build skills to get you through difficult conversations with people at every level of authority because that’s where you become truly influential, no matter your position. That’s authentic leadership.
3. When feedback comes from a subordinate.
People are typically far more sensitive to differences in positional power than we expect. No matter how approachable you think you are, you’re probably terrifying to a subordinate if you’re the boss. Keep that in mind and adjust by offering a gentler approach.