I have struggled to say “no” my whole life. I was raised to think that saying it was selfish. That tendency created guilt in me and increased my propensity to say “yes,” even when I was physically overwhelmed, mentally spent or not qualified for a task. One small comfort over my career was knowing I wasn’t alone. After all, most veterinarians are people-pleasing, anxious perfectionists who fear rejection, missing out and failure if they say “no.”
A 2016 research review by social psychologist Dr. Vanessa K. Bohns showed that many people agree to do things — even if they’d prefer not to — to avoid the discomfort of saying “no.” Yet, we often forget that the moment we say “yes” comes with an opportunity cost, one that depletes us and adds to our levels of anxiety, depression and compassion fatigue.
How can we learn to say “no” without guilt? How can we say it politely? How will our bosses respond to “no”? Those are everyday worries.
Reading this article is your first step toward saying “yes” to the life-changing skill of saying “no.” While making it a habit won’t happen overnight, here are actionable steps to achieve a better career and personal life.
When to Say “No”
I started a consulting business before I sold my veterinary practice. Because it was a new role, I decided to say “yes” to prospective clients and take any opportunity, large or small, familiar or foreign, paid or unpaid. While that approach might build a business, I didn’t focus my growth.
According to Dr. Ahona Guha, a clinical and forensic psychologist, here are the five questions to ask yourself:
- Do I have the time, energy and money for this now?
- Do I want to do this?
- Will this add value to my life?
- Is this aligned with my values?
- Am I saying “yes” only because I am scared to say “no”?
As I look at some of my initial business opportunities through the lens of those questions, I know I should have done things differently.
Over the years, I’ve received advice like, “No is a complete sentence,” and this Warren Buffett line: “The difference between successful people and the very successful people is that a very successful person says ‘no’ to almost everything.”
I was aligned with the sentiment but had no idea how to put it into action without guilt or regret. A crucial point I missed was the context of the relationship — how close the person was to me in life and how that fact changed my delivery. As I started considering how I felt after declining personal and professional requests and opportunities, I realized that saying “no” might not be one-size-fits-all.
Another part of the equation is setting and respecting boundaries. Not until I hit an enormous physical and mental brick wall did I come to a dramatic, but thankfully temporary, halt. I was forced to reassess myself and learn that even our closest relationships require boundaries.
The Different Faces of “No”
Let’s explore practical ways to say “no.”
THE KIND “NO”
Many people lead with kindness, and I fall into that category. The risk arises when kindness isn’t paired with clarity. Therefore, be kind but clear if a colleague asks you to work a double shift for the third time this month. You can say:
- “I’m sorry, my friend, but I’m unable to.”
- “Sadly, I can’t.”
- “Unfortunately, I can’t make that work this time.”
Avoid flimsy phrases like “I don’t know” and “Well, maybe I could do it.” Those responses make staying firm with your “no” more difficult.
THE CLASSIC “NO”
One word can be a complete sentence. I suggest saying it, pausing and letting the receiving person process it. Often, we feel the need to fill the silence with expressions of guilt or a change of heart. The less said, the better the outcome.
“NO” WITH AN EXPLANATION
If uttering a simple “no” makes you uncomfortable, here’s a different strategy — in this case, when someone requests your time.
- “I’m really sorry I can’t switch shifts with you this weekend. But I could in two weekends if that would help.”
- “I appreciate you asking me to be on your podcast. However, I will have to pass because I’m fully scheduled until December. Reach out to me then so that we can coordinate.”
- “I’m honored you want me to be on this advisory project. Unfortunately, the timing doesn’t work in my current schedule. If we can push it back a month, I can participate.”
THE TURN-THE-TABLES “NO”
When workplace tasks seem unreasonable or outside one’s skill set, start a two-way conversation to resolve the issue. For example, say, “I’m happy to do X, Y and Z; however, I would need three weeks, rather than two, to do a good job. How would you like me to prioritize them?”
Is “Maybe” Acceptable?
I’ve worked with my life coach on a third strategy: not seeing life as only black-or-white choices. Instead, choices can be black AND white. For example, someone might propose a wonderful opportunity that your schedule doesn’t allow. You might respond that you will think about it and try to rework your calendar. In other words, it’s a “not now” instead of a full-blown “no.”
I’m a work in progress in the sense that learning to say “no” will probably take me a lifetime of practice. We must be selfish sometimes so that we remain healthy personally and are ready for those who depend on us. When we stay accountable to our boundaries, needs and values, we develop better relationships with our teams, clients and ourselves.
BEING RELENTLESSLY PLEASANT
An interesting phrase associated with saying “no” came from the University of Michigan and its former president, Dr. Mary Sue Coleman. “Relentlessly pleasant” means being firm and insistent but friendly when saying “no.” Why both terms?
Dr. Coleman found that a person who is relentless and unpleasant is considered a jerk. On the other hand, being pleasant without being relentless makes someone a vulnerable target. She says the most successful people are relentless and pleasant.