For most of their childhood, my kids thought their father was allergic to hamsters. It all started innocently enough when, one afternoon, our kids arrived home from school, vibrating with excitement. Apparently, someone brought in a pet hamster at show and tell that day. I am not sure which parent or teacher decided it was a good idea, but I hold that person responsible for what I am about to share.
On their walk home, my kids conspired that they had to have a hamster. As I emphatically told them, “Nope! No rodents allowed,” their little pleas became more animated:
- “But, Mom, they are so cute.”
- “Well, duh, Mom, of course we will clean the cage and feed it.”
- “We should get two so they aren’t lonely when we are at school.”
At that point, I realized it was time to pull the classic parenting bait and switch. “Hey, you two, come into the kitchen because it’s an ice-cream-after-school kind of day!”
They forgot about the hamster, and I felt pretty smug for evading their devious plan to create a stinky rodent habitat that I knew darn well would quickly fall to me to look after.
Day 2
I should have known that Operation Hamster would not be easily forgotten. It resumed the next day with a renewed vigor:
- “So, Mom, we have been thinking about our hamsters.”
- “We knew you would say no, but we think owning hamsters will be great. It will teach us responsibility.”
As I opened my mouth to respond, they cut me off again. “And we have our allowance money for stuff we want that you and Dad won’t buy for us. Can you drive us to the pet store”?
I suggested that they watch Finding Nemo while I made dinner. Maybe they would consider a fish?
Day 3
I knew the conversation wasn’t over. During a debate the next day, I became increasingly frustrated and ran out of reasons to say no. Even my claim that our cat was an amazing mouser and that they would be very sad if she decided the hamsters were mice and ate them fell on deaf ears. I was desperate when the words came out of my mouth before I had time to think.
“OK, you two, the real reason we cannot have hamsters is because your dad is extremely allergic to them.”
Silence. I could see their brains processing this new information. I should have felt a sense of relief — Operation Hamster was over! — but instead, I felt a vague foreboding.
I was making dinner when my husband arrived home from work. Before I could ask him about his day, the kids were on him.
“Dad! Dad! Dad! Is it true? Are you allergic to hamsters?”
Our eyes made contact for the briefest moment, and then, without missing a beat, my fantastic husband simply replied, “Yes. Yes, I am.”
Lies, as I am sure you all know, have a way of catching up with you. Years later, we found ourselves in a pet superstore, and my family split up to wander the aisles. Suddenly, our daughter ran over to her dad, pushed him to the side and issued an urgent plea: “Dad, don’t go over there! They have hamsters.”
Today
My children are adults now, and the story always makes us laugh. At first glance, the story is about parenting and how lies come back to haunt you. However, upon deeper reflection, it’s a story about a time-crunched, energy-depleted veterinarian and mother who was running on her own hamster wheel. Perhaps some of you can relate. Every day, I got up, hopped on the wheel and ran for my life.
My limiting beliefs around self-esteem and self-worth stemmed from deep-seated childhood trauma and anxiety, but I held them at bay through a control-everything attitude. I had been taught that hard work was the measure of my worth, that physical and mental toughness developed resilience, and that taking care of everything and everyone would make me worthy of love. If I ran on that hamster wheel hard enough and long enough, I would have everything I needed. Work was something I was good at. Running held the anxiety at bay. Toughness pushed the feelings aside.
But, like the lie we told our kids, life has a way of catching up with you.
Growing Awareness
Every transformation begins with a catalytic moment. A series of moments starts a chain reaction that leads to a tipping point or new awareness.
My transformation began on a safari truck rumbling across the savannah in Botswana. As I watched the herds of impalas bouncing alongside me, I had a realization. It wasn’t just that I was good at running on the hamster wheel; it was that the wheel was familiar. I felt comfortable there. Stepping off of it was scary and unfamiliar territory.
Change starts with an awareness of new possibilities. We need to imagine a different future and see ourselves in that future. Temporarily stepping off the hamster wheel and into a new environment in Africa offered me a physical and mental pause. It gave me the space to reflect, dream and think about what mattered. I had the space to imagine another future and a vision so compelling that the desire for change overcame my resistance to it. Getting back on the hamster wheel was less compelling once I realized other options were available.
In the book Helping People Change, Dr. Richard E. Boyatzis and his colleagues share the importance of tapping into positive emotions to develop an inspiring personal vision that draws us into the future. Changing human behavior is not a linear process, nor does it happen overnight. Rather, according to Dr. Boyatzis, “Change occurs in discontinuous bursts or spurts” as we make discoveries that help us learn and change over time.
Developing awareness is a journey we must make on our own. Research shows that being told you must do something is rarely a catalyst for change. Even when our lives are on the line, behavior change is unlikely to stick when compliance with an external authority or expert is the motivator.
Support Through Coaching
While the desire for change needs to be driven internally, we don’t have to do it alone. A coach trained to coach with compassion (rather than coach for compliance) can be a powerful partner. However, we must be ready for coaching before embarking on the journey.
As a certified executive coach and member of the International Coaching Federation, I look for these three things to determine my clients’ readiness for coaching:
- Is some type of dissatisfaction present, and does the desire for something different outweigh the dissatisfaction?
- Do the clients have a vision of where they want to go or what they want to be different?
- Are they willing and ready to do the work required to move from a place of dissatisfaction or pain to a place of well-being or pleasure?
Coaching is a future-focused endeavor designed to help people change. While it is a powerful and supportive partnership, it is not appropriate in every situation. In some instances, counseling and mental health support are more suitable. In other cases, mentoring or consulting might better serve a client’s needs. Often, a combination of support modalities is helpful.
Regardless of where you are at in your change journey, know that you are not alone and that support is available to help you step off the hamster wheel once you are ready.
Compassion and Community
Reflecting on my journey, I see the parallels with Dr. Boyatzis’ theory of intentional change. Change is an ongoing process of discovery, supported by resonant relationships, self-reflection, learning and experimenting with new ways of being.
At times, I slip back into old patterns of negative self-talk and controlling behaviors. Then, I remember the things I’ve learned and the choices I’ve made to build a more sustainable and joyful life.
It’s time to do the work and get back on track. Mindfulness, play, exercise, time in nature and human connection are on my path back to balance. Slow and steady progress overcomes fits and starts.
I understand I am no longer defined by how long and hard I can run on the hamster wheel. I can step off it now and then and let it collect a little dust. The wheel will be waiting when I get back on it. At those times, I will be sure to bring along others who want to run with me.
FINDING A COACH
The International Coaching Federation awards three credentials: associate certified coach (ACC), professional certified coach (PCC) and master certified coach (MCC). Potential clients may search for one at coachingfederation.org.
DID YOU KNOW?
The Merck Veterinary Manual says this about hamsters: “The most common pet and research hamster is the golden or Syrian hamster (Mesocricetus auratus). All Syrian hamsters in captivity appear to have originated from a litter of eight hamsters collected near Aleppo in Syria in 1930. Four of the animals escaped, a male killed one female, and only one male and two females remained. From these three animals, litters were raised that were distributed to Europe and the USA for research and subsequently as pets. In 1971, an additional 12 Syrian hamsters were captured in the field by farmers and imported to the USA.”