The old boy’s muzzle had gone from a distinguished salt and pepper to a snowy white over the years, and as I looked into his eyes for the last time, a flood of memories rushed in. A happy little Lab spinning zoomies in the exam room. A very sick adolescent with downcast eyes and a toy lodged somewhere in his jejunum. A middle-of-the-night visit with his distraught owners followed by an emergency gastric dilatation-volvulus surgery. Finally, a complex and progressive polyneuropathy that had landed us here.
He was the kind of patient who was, in equal parts, adorable and exasperating. He had the type of owners who make clinical work rewarding — thoughtful in their decision-making and appreciative of their veterinary team.
I lost count of how many times I’ve helped people say goodbye to their beloved family members, but this one hit me hard. The day of his departure had been scheduled. Planned so that the kids I had watched grow up (and whose toy I extracted from the old boy’s bowel) would have a chance to say goodbye when they returned home for the holidays.
It was time. Everyone, including the old boy, was ready. Still, it sucked.
Veterinary medicine is a humane profession and a very human one. At times in my career, the humanness of it all feels like too much. This was one of those moments.
I left the hospital that day and arrived home to find my children, recently released from school, bubbling over with positive energy and excitement about Santa’s pending arrival. Despite my challenges of holding so many conflicting emotions simultaneously, their unbridled joy was just what I needed at that moment.
Judgment-Free Zone
The holiday season often comes with a complex array of emotions. We hear it is a time to celebrate togetherness, gather with friends and family, and eat, drink and be merry. It is also a time of high expectations — those we place on ourselves and those reflected by society and the media.
It is not unusual for the merriest among us to feel “Bah! Humbug!” during the holidays. Perhaps the holidays bring up difficult memories. Maybe you recently lost someone close to you. Or you feel a mismatch between your values and those reflected in the frenzied shoppers and mall Santas. For various personal, cultural and spiritual reasons, it is not unusual to feel disconnected and cynical about the season.
If you find yourself channeling your inner Scrooge this year, start by permitting yourself to feel your emotions without judgment or shame. Susan David, the author of Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life, says, “Emotions are part of a complex neurochemical system that evolved to help us navigate life’s complex currents.”
Many of us never learned to sit with our uncomfortable feelings and consider what they might be telling us. Instead, we learned to operate on an emotional autopilot, either suppressing our feelings or surrendering control and reacting in ways that impact those around us.
Adding to the challenge is the reality that our emotions are not always reliable. While they can act as an internal radar and give us critical insights into the world around us (“Mr. Smith looks upset; I better get ready to defend my recommendations.”), they can also steer us in the wrong direction. (“Wait, he isn’t upset with me; he is worried that he might have caused Scooter’s illness.”)
After facing your thoughts and emotions, David says, the next step is “detaching from them and observing them for what they are — just thoughts, just emotions,” or a process she describes as “stepping out.” This process of detached observation or viewing our thoughts and emotions as transient mental experiences gives us a broader view. According to David, it allows us to see ourselves “as a chessboard, filled with possibilities, rather than as any one piece on the board, confined to certain preordained moves.”
After you acknowledge your feelings without judgment, give yourself permission to navigate the holiday season at your own pace and in your own way. Focus on what matters to you. Consider your values and what brings you meaning, and possibly set simple goals for the weeks ahead. By recognizing what triggers negative emotions and shifting our focus to where we find meaning, we can start to integrate our thinking, feeling and behaving patterns and widen our perspective to face the season with more peace and grace.
Present Day Attitudes
Let me share a personal example that might help you understand the process.
I grew up in a family where love wasn’t shown through kind words or hugs but with money and expensive gifts. Christmas was about shopping, buying the perfect present (usually an expensive one) and showing appropriate excitement and gratitude when opening the gift. We had a ritual around how gifts were handed out and opened.
When I had children, the tradition found its way into my young family. I spent the weeks leading up to Christmas shopping for the perfect presents and eagerly anticipating the recipients’ joy upon opening them. I hid my disappointment when a gift given or received fell short. I hated the holiday’s commercialization but was trapped in a pattern I hadn’t yet acknowledged. It left me with a lot of negative emotions.
My teenage children saw the pattern for what it was and bravely requested, “No more presents.” I was slow to adapt and snuck in stocking stuffers for a year and then homemade gifts the next until I finally explored the feelings and emotions I had attached to gifts and what I wanted the holidays to be about for my family: sharing food and love and being together.
Crucial Questions
Be kind to yourself. There is no right way to feel and no right way to celebrate the holidays. If you are in the middle of a life transition or going through a challenging time, be patient with yourself. Navigating life’s ups and downs is hard.
Why not create a tradition that is meaningful to you? Practice savoring by recalling your favorite holiday memories and transporting yourself there mentally. Prioritize activities you find restorative and nourishing. Take a moment to write down your thoughts or feelings, and then ask yourself these four “liberating questions” from The Work of Byron Katie [bit.ly/4eMqGOy]:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
Consider reaching out to someone who is struggling this holiday season. We need others the most when we feel isolated and lonely. Let’s normalize asking for help. Taking the time to sit with someone who is struggling with difficult emotions can make a world of difference for both of you.
If “joy to the world” feels unattainable this holiday season, it’s OK. Just don’t get sucked into Scrooge’s negative “Bah! Humbug!” spiral. After all, no one needs a bunch of scary ghosts, rattling chains and being whisked off into the night to show you the error of your ways. Exploring your emotions might be the first step toward a deeper understanding of how to discover your own peace on earth.
LEARN MORE
- “Navigating ‘Happy’ Holidays Amidst Diverse Realities,” by Dr. Sarah Saska, bit.ly/4eNdDfR
- McLean Hospital’s “Guide to Managing Mental Health Around the Holidays,” bit.ly/3XPyTe8