If we realized one thing over our years as columnists, it’s what author Rick Carson describes as “being in process.” He writes that being in process is “an attitude — an appreciation of the simple truth and the reality that your life will be forever unfolding and your future always unknown.” It also can increase your satisfaction and appreciation of life and your resilience in the face of challenges.
Running into brick walls is inevitable when we pursue dreams and do what’s most important to us. Over 10 years ago, Jeff penned an article in another veterinary publication documenting some of the brick walls he was facing, including the loss of his parents and the challenges of starting a business during an economic downturn.
He noted: “I keep coming back to something Randy Pausch wrote in his book, The Last Lecture. … ‘Brick walls are there for a reason. They’re not there to keep us out. They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.’ Looking back, I can see that the brick walls I’ve faced have been there for a reason. By experiencing them, I’ve learned some valuable lessons.”
Here are a few more of those lessons.
Redefine Normal
Syndicated columnist Ellen Goodman defined “normal” as “getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”
Let’s shift the paradigm around how we define normal. How do our expectations of what life should look like affect our ability to be adaptable and resilient when those expectations aren’t met? For instance, is the goal of life:
- Easy street and living the high life?
- A daring adventure story, complete with all the ups and downs that go with it?
Instead of looking for easy street and not experiencing worries or difficulties, we wonder if we’d be better off accepting Helen Keller’s conclusion that “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”
In a daring adventure, we’re much more likely to be in a state of constant stretching, learning and growing.
Keep Looking Up
Keep looking up is a way of saying, “Be optimistic!” Optimism is the hallmark of people of substance.
Study after study has found that the trait of hardiness is crucial in determining whether good, talented women and men will make a difference. Psychologist Martin Seligman illustrated a yawning chasm between social animals who react to roadblocks with a sense of futility and those who respond with a steely determination to master their destiny. “Learned optimism” is the term Seligman coined to describe what allows people to join the latter group.
Quit Comparing
Playing the comparison game is a human tendency. We spend considerable time, consciously and subconsciously, focusing on how we stack up to others — for example, academically, vocationally and socioeconomically. In his book The Paradox of Choice, Barry Schwartz asserted, “Our western social and economic system … inherently propels people into lives of perpetual social comparison and dissatisfaction.”
In a recent Harvard Business Review article, Michael Gervais explained, “The lives of high performers are rife with the fear of people’s opinions.” He called this anxious state “fear of people’s opinions,” or FOPO. He contended that FOPO is “a hidden epidemic and may be the single greatest constrictor of individual and collective potential.” He went on to say, “Concern about what others think is an irrational, unproductive and unhealthy obsession.
FOPO often arises from a performance-based identity, or identifying ourselves by how well we do things relative to others.
A healthier alternative, Gervais offered, is to cultivate a purpose-based identity. Purpose is an internally derived intention “that has intrinsic value for you but is also bigger than you,” he wrote.
Focusing on how we compare to others gets in the way of what’s really important: being true to our inner compass. For Jeff and Trey, we’re a lot happier when we concentrate on being an authentic expression of who we already are instead of trying to be a poor imitation of someone else. An old Southern colloquialism put it this way: “Be who you is! Because if you ain’t who you is, you is who you ain’t.”
Be Curious and Have Fun
Jeff struggled to apply newly learned skills during professional coach training. He caught up on worrying about things like, “Am I doing it right?” and “What questions should I be asking?” After running into a bit of a brick wall, he approached the practice sessions with authentic intention — “Be curious and have fun.”
In previous iterations of this column, we’ve written about the power of curiosity, which allows us to suspend judgment and be open to different perspectives. So, let’s focus here on the idea of having fun.
Journalist Catherine Price argued that our always-on, tech-addicted lifestyles have led us to overlook that real happiness lies in the everyday experience of fun. We often think of fun as indulgent, even immature and selfish. We claim not to have time for it, even as we spend hours a day on what Price called “fake fun.” Examples include bingeing on television, doom-scrolling the news and posting photos to social media, all in the hope of filling some of the emptiness we feel inside.
Price said that far from being frivolous, “Fun is absolutely essential for a well-lived and joyful life.”
If you use fun as your compass, you will be happier and healthier. You will be more productive, less resentful and less stressed. You will have more energy. You will find community and a sense of purpose. You will stop languishing and start flourishing. Price made the case that “true fun,” which she defined as the confluence of playfulness, connection and flow, will give us the fulfillment we desperately seek. The goal, she said, is to intentionally cultivate more experiences that incorporate all three elements.
- Playfulness is about doing things for the sake of doing them without being attached to a specific outcome. It also involves approaching things light-heartedly and letting go of perfectionism.
- Connection is about enjoying specific, shared experiences with others. Price advises us to surround ourselves with others who value the need for “true fun” in their lives.
- Flow, which we’ve explored in depth in this column, is about the joy of being actively engaged and “in the zone.” Among the many strategies for achieving “flow” in your life are limiting distractions, pursuing what naturally energizes you and focusing on things that bring you a sense of purpose.
So, because you’re in process, which lessons resonate with you? How might you be intentional about prioritizing “true fun” in your life? You have a choice, and what you do when faced with the inevitable brick walls makes all the difference.
We agree with this aphorism: “Success is not final; failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.”
EXPLORE MORE
- “3 Elements of True Fun — and How to Have More of It,” TED Talk with Catherine Price and David Biello, bit.ly/47bamTo
- “Why Having Fun Is the Secret to a Healthier Life,” TED Talk with Catherine Price, bit.ly/3ts8xDH
- “Free Your People From the Need for Social Approval,” Michael Gervais in Harvard Business Review, bit.ly/3Rwth55