This time around, our exploration of “flow,” the state of being fully present and meeting the challenges of the moment with a calm, clear focus and access to all our resources, takes us to the territory of authenticity. If those magic moments of flow occur when we are fully ourselves without apprehension, fear or self-limitation, then our ability to access a meaningful level of authenticity must be one of the key “gating” elements for experiencing flow. And as you’ll see further on, our interest in authenticity is also very personal.
Mike Robbins, an author and coach who focuses on teamwork, leadership and emotional intelligence, encourages authenticity by reminding folks of Oscar Wilde’s advice: “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” As the quote suggests, many of us have an underlying sense that we possess a meaningful combination of gifts to express if only we have enough courage. At the same time, we must be honest that our culture and experiences taught us that being fully authentic is unsafe. How do we get across that divide?
Robbins outlined five fundamental principles for anyone wishing to access the power of authenticity.
1. Know Yourself
If authenticity is about living who we are instead of choosing a safer but inauthentic social mask, then we must start by recognizing who we are. While that might sound simple, we need the courage to look within ourselves and admit our thoughts, feelings, aspirations and insecurities in their fullness. Identifying the external actions (often trivial ones) that trigger us is easy, but seeing through those outside triggers to the underlying web of thoughts and emotions within is another matter.
Canadian physician and author Dr. Gabor Maté suggests a simple tool for this process. Rather than asking, “What is my authentic self?” note the times when you recognized you were inauthentic. The self that feels inauthenticity is your authentic self in Dr. Maté’s view.
2. Transform Your Fear
Once we have a sense of our genuine self, we have the challenge of expressing that self honestly and openly and having the courage to seek what we want in life. Fear is the natural barrier at this point.
As Robbins put it, “The question isn’t whether we experience fear in our lives; the more important question for each of us to ask and to answer is: How can I move through my fears honestly so they don’t stop me from being who I really am and going for what I truly want in life?”
3. Express Yourself
If you’ve always been the “nice guy/gal,” then expressing yourself authentically can represent a radical departure from an identity you and everyone around you have grown accustomed to. But if you fit in this category, this simple question is worth considering: How can I expect anyone to know and respond to the real me if I never give them the opportunity?
We’ve all had the experience of pushing through internal resistance and finally getting something important off our chest. Ironically, there’s often a greater sense of relief from being true to ourselves in taking that step than fear about how the receiver of our “truth” will respond. Again, these are the kinds of moments that point us to our authenticity.
4. Be Bold
While expressing ourselves is a crucial principle of authenticity, we must go further to reach for our genuine aspirations. According to Robbins, “Being bold has to do with us getting in touch with our deepest truths, passions and desires in life and then having the courage to live and act out loud in a way that is congruent with this.”
That means stepping to the edge of our comfort zone and perhaps beyond to live in a way we find most exciting and enlivening. If we’ve transformed our fear, being bold feels less like a white-knuckle roller coaster ride and more like an exciting daringness. Instead of clinging to hope for a narrow outcome in a wide range of possibilities, there’s a dynamic interaction with life that is rooted in, and often fascinated by, what is unfolding now.
5. Celebrate Who You Are
In Robbins’ view, the whole goal of authenticity is to love ourselves generously. If we love ourselves, we can step past the limitations of fear and worry, as we don’t need any particular outcomes to feel fulfilled and whole. And if we don’t love ourselves, we’ll never get there through any external relationships, possessions or accomplishments, no matter how many times we try.
An Exercise in Authenticity
As we worked on this article, Trey had a huge opportunity to exercise authenticity. His empty-nest home had become a bit of a rehab center, with his three adult children returning to live there while recovering. For his youngest, an ACL tear sidelined her sports career. For the middle child, it was a debilitating hyperthyroid condition. And for his oldest, it was facing half a lifetime of alcoholism and addiction. Put a few additional stressors in that pot, and sure enough, everyone in the family had found something to stew over.
Fortunately, the youngest had the wisdom to call a family meeting, and the oldest had the AA tools to help the family create a safe container for such a sensitive moment. Trey had the benefit of focusing on the concepts discussed here and using them to share from his heart as honestly and fully as possible, acknowledging unattractive aspects of himself that he could not fully explain or understand. Others followed suit in their own ways, and the conversation provided moments of awkward lurching and genuine healing.
In the end, everyone could speak their truth and be fully heard, which was its own reward. Since the conversation, shifts have continued to unfold (mostly positive), and the Cutler family rolls on.
Being Authentic in a Conflict Situation
The tools used to create a safe container can be applied when conflict arises and needs to be addressed. Here are a few of the basics:
- Use “I” statements: Speak your truth. For example, express your thoughts and, more importantly, how you feel.
- Don’t cross-talk: Let the other person speak fully and without interruption.
- Recognize resentment and make another choice: As author Malachy McCourt put it, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.” Although our media are cauldrons of resentment, we don’t have to be.
- Remember the power of curiosity: When you are curious about why something is a certain way, either in yourself or another, you are in a state of openness and exploration instead of the more rigid state of judgment.
We are all works in process. And whatever we might think about authenticity, it’s hard to argue with Mike Robbins’ take on the benefits of self-love. So, we hope that sharing these tools helps with the process of observing the unfolding of ourselves and the world around us with a sense of curiosity and wonder while remaining true to ourselves.
RESOURCES
- “Be Yourself, Everyone Else Is Already Taken,” Mike Robbins (Jossey-Bass, 2009)
- “The Myth of Normal,” Gabor Maté (Penguin Random House, 2022)
- “Activate Your Latent Superpower,” Jeff Thoren and Trey Cutler, bit.ly/superpower-TVB